Room 351

I love you.

I miss you.

I need you.

Three things we all long to hear. Three things that, when said, erase all doubt, suspicion, desperation. These things move through your ears and straight to your heart, they bypass the brain completely, they slip through the lips like honey. Three things that shouldn't be said lightly, or half-heartedly, or manipulatively.

Three things that can be full of empty promises.

I can handle someone who cheats, I can handle someone who argues, I can handle someone who is cold, but I can't handle a liar. Lies are the most toxic thing we can do with words. Lies fill you with false hope, false security, lies make you delusional, crazy, psycho. As soon as someone is prepared to lie to you, you should be prepared to walk away. Don't get me wrong - I've been naïve, I've encouraged dishonesty and welcomed it, accepted it almost.

I understand that just because someone lies to you, doesn't make you love them any less, if anything, it can make you love more fiercely. Nothing in this world weighs as much as a heart that knows it is being lied to, and I have carried a heavy heart around for some months now, and it's time that it was lifted. It's not something that is going to happen instantly, and I don't even know how long it will take but what I do know is that I need to set myself free. I've been lucky enough so far in life not to have my heartbroken, and the real ironic thing is that, even now, I've done it to myself.

Just because love feels like the best you've ever had, the most passionate, beautiful thing you have ever experienced, doesn't make it right for you, doesn't make it healthy. If I stay in the place where this love has brought me, I know that I will be torn apart even more than I already am.

We have to make decisions in life, we've always been making decisions since the second we were born. Big and small, easy and difficult. Some of them are the easiest we will ever make, some of them we make without even realising it - and some of them will change us right to the core, they will make us weep for 40 days straight, will make us instantly regret what we've done, but eventually, we will thank ourselves.

Self worth is something that comes above love. Self worth is something that comes above every single 'I miss you, I love you, I need you' - we have to remember that. When I fall in love, every part of my being falls with me, my brain, my soul, my body, everything changes, everything wraps itself around that love, I become consumed by it - and so far nobody else has matched that level of dedication. You deserve someone who is infatuated with you, who would move mountains for you and who would call at 4am just to hear the sound of your voice. We all deserve that. But we also must be prepared to give it back.

I'd like to think that one day, someone will make me fall in love without me giving up my own self-worth. Someday, someone will be infatuated with me, someone will adore me, protect me, empower me and honour me with nothing but truths.