So, it's officially hit me.
The high of the summer has left me in the lowest of lows, come Christmas I might be halfway to hell. The trouble is, I'm having to dedicate myself to something which I couldn't be less interested in - the laws of England and Wales. Not only are they as dry as a bone and riddled with ridiculous complexities, they are archaic and absolutely stupid. For instance there is a law, buried deep within our rich and illustrious history that consists of:
"It is illegal to handle salmon in suspicious circumstances".
Okay.
So you're telling me if i'm whipping up some Mediterranean veg and oven roasted salmon and I happen to be perhaps whistling a tune I might just get locked up? Oh and it's also illegal to bang your doormat in the street before 8am, just in case you had any plans to disrupt your weetabix and proceed to run outside with the intention of walloping your 'welcome' mat senseless.
Fair enough, its not actually these laws that I am lucky enough to study (if only) I do much more important stuff like contract and wills and super excitingly, land law! (I hope you can hear my sarcasm.) Anyway, the point is, I find myself drifting away during lectures, imagining the things i'm going to do with my life, the places I am going to see, or even what it would be like if I were at a different university studying journalism or english lit - I imagine I'd be much more engaged and instead of having to work my ass off to scrape a 2:1, I'd be in my element and raking in the 1st classes. It's not even necessarily my grade that I care about, It's my mental state and actually wanting to attend university. I'm experiencing that awkward in-between phase - some of my friends are absolutely off their faces every weekend, living in rented houses and sleeping with anything that has a pulse in the midst of youth and abandoning all responsibility, whereas others are working a steady 9-5 job and getting mortgages - yes, MORTGAGES!!!!
And then there's me, I'm at university, but still living at home with the responsibilities of a 30 year old but not paying any mortgage, in a steady (and very blissful I might add) relationship but still working at night to keep my little circle going.
WHAT IS THIS SAD EXISTENCE???
I'm not saying I want to get off my face at weekends and nor do I want a mortgage (I'd rather live as a squatter than have a 25 year debt) but I want something more, or maybe something less! I'm in a life-limbo, just trying to get the next few months out of the way with my sanity intact.
People are forever telling you to 'enjoy being young' and that they are 'the best days of your life' and I can't help but want to ask them if they are simply deranged - I get that this is the most energy I will probably have and that the old arthritis hasn't kicked in yet but I am the most stressed out I can possibly ever be - I have no clue where my life is going, no clue WHY i'm studying law and if I'm actually going to make it out alive, after I graduate next summer I have no security of a job or plan or money I just know I need to get out of here. The most carefree time of my life so far has been when I was a young teenage chav sneaking out on the weekends under the cover of darkness to join my friends with cheap alcohol and cigarettes - poetic I know.
I guess the heaviest weight in the world is the one of responsibility, where you realise that now is the time that big decisions have to be made.
My plan A is to graduate, and delay those big decisions for as long as possible, to just see what happens when I take my foot off the gas and let it roll. There is just SO SO SO much to see and do before I get that mortgage, before I put on those big city career handcuffs, I want the best days of my life to last for most of it - and I don't see why they can't.
My plan B, you ask?
Don't have a bloody clue.
