If someone were to say to you, how long do you think it would take for your life to change forever? I'm guessing you might say one second, you might say one year; depending on your answer and the imaginary circumstances surrounding it.
From raw, recent experience, I can tell you that it took mine about 5 weeks.
Slowly but surely I lost the firm grip I had on my life and spiralled into all sorts of emotions I didn't think I was capable of feeling. Now I'm left in a confused mess wondering what the hell to do next, waiting for my life to feel normal again. Nothing is at it was, and won't ever be the same again.
I fell in love with every fibre of my being. I fell in love the way you fall asleep - without protest, helplessly and easily - without even really realising it. I can hear your thoughts - this girl has just come out of a relationship, this screams rebound blah blah blah - but I can tell you that this feeling is entirely new to me, entirely different.
This love is one that shouldn't have happened - on paper we are so wrong and there are so many obstacles in our way but somehow we have made it to this point and I have gone through things in the space of 5 weeks that most people don't even go through in 50 years. It has been a love I have come close to losing, a love that looked like it had no future, a love that brought me to my knees with tears down my face and dangerous thoughts in my head. The circumstances surrounding this situation have made me 10 years older overnight, I have experienced emotions and scenarios that really required me to put on a smile and get on with things when my world was upside down and inside out. I have stayed awake all night with the darkest fear that the light of the morning might not ever come, I have felt a sense of euphoria that I didn't think possible.
So now, the question is - Do I pursue my ski season and disappear for 6 months, as if nothing ever happened? As if my whole character hasn't been changed or altered in any way? How can I now walk away from something so precious and delicate?
If I were to explain all of the circumstances to this scenario - I can confidently say that 9 out of 10 people would probably urge me to leave the country for 6 months - they would probably say that the timing is ideal - and I know this, but I also know that leaving will shatter my heart beyond repair.
During this particular 5 weeks I found myself in hotel rooms and sat in my car in the black of night, praying that everything would be okay, praying that this love would be strong enough to even make it through another crazy 24 hours. I'm not overexaggerating when I say that at times it has been a matter of life or death. How can I walk away from that, from everything that has happened, for half a year in a different country?
I know that I am like a wild animal - if you lock me up, if you try and contain me, try to keep me in one place, then I will break out and react and never come back. I know that I have just got out of a 15 year struggle in education - I know that 6 months surrounded by mountains is probably something that I need. So why did fate put me in this place? Why, on the most desolate of days, when I was leaning against a bookshelf attempting not to cry, did I look up and see my Nanny's very rare name emblazoned across a book in front of me? What does this all mean?
I feel like I need a sign, I feel like this decision is not one I can make myself. I know that I'm being weak here, but all I've done for the last two years is make all of the decisions, call all of the shots - and I'm tired of that. I feel like I want to throw things into the wind and see what comes back to me.
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