The Human Race

What does it mean - when we willingly embark on a path to self destruction?
When I spend 3 years building the foundations of my house, my future, just to take a sledgehammer to it and then dance on top of the rubble in a confused daze of dust?
When I purposely light up a cigarette and suck out all of its poison with no one to witness but the stars and the sky?
When I break somebody's heart and my own in the process?

Does it mean I am a total, unfeeling bitch?
Or does it mean I'm human, and on the edge of a great change?
I didn't know this was going to happen, I didn't expect it, it crept up on me like the dark creeps up on the sun, slowly chasing it until the golden light is devoured by black. I've been distant, cold and confused for months. I found myself no longer seeing things the same way, or feeling the same way, but when the odd off day turns into an off 6 months, you know it's time for a change.

I didn't want to end my relationship - but I felt like I had to. Kai is still my soulmate on many levels, and maybe when we are both older we can perhaps come back to this more travelled, aged and wiser and pick it up again. Of course I'm devastated, heartbroken and confused but I also know it was the right decision.

The worst part of all of this is the changing involved. I thought the whole awkward adjustment period occurs during teenage years but I was wrong. A good friend told me that her dad gave her some sound advice that 16, 18, 21 and 30 are the years to look out for, and it's safe to say I'm now dreading hitting 30 more than ever. I hate nothing more than being unsure of myself, out of control, the feeling of free falling and spiralling into something unfamiliar is not something that sits well with me, but at the same time, I hate routine, I hate normality and conformity - I hate being bored and comfortable.

I'm not saying I got bored in my relationship but we definitely took each other for granted, perhaps me more so than him. I keep rewinding it all in my mind - wondering where the happiness got turned off but I can't find it - it was gradual and like I said, crept up on me. I never once wanted or intended my feelings to change because I was convinced that this was the man I was going to marry, have children with & grow old with. Where there once was an absolute bonfire of passion now flickers a warm glow of gratitude and respect.

So now I'm single, for the first time since the age of 14, with the desire to stand alone for a good while, and probably not enter into another relationship until I'm 80. I have a sense of loneliness and weirdness, sure I do, but I also have a sense of complete contentment - I've always been happy in my own company and for anyone who knows me, even just the sound of the phone ringing has been known to enrage me. I'm taking this change as a sign that I need to be alone for a while, to put myself first and prioritise what I want to do - to be selfish and careless and maybe slightly idiotic.

I was thinking - (something I've been doing a lot of lately) - about the term 'The Human Race' and I actually think that some eccentric crackpot had a right laugh when they coined the expression. Forget the connotations of ethnicity or skin colour and concentrate on what it literally means. We are all humans and we are all racing - through life, work, relationships - to our death. It's called a race because we are all so caught up with the concept of time - its time for me to get a job, its time for me to settle down and get married, its time for bed, its time to eat. We restrict our lives because of time when that's the one thing we shouldn't do with it. Time is short, time is precious, time is always running out, time isn't actually ever reachable, because when you get there, it's already gone. The Human Race is racing towards something that we don't even know exists - so what's wrong with hitting the big red button and saying 'fuck it'? because really, at the age of 20, time is still mine to play around with, and I intend to be very selfish with it.