15th September

Today is the day of my Nanny's birthday, my kindred spirit who I lost last year. I always feel a confusing mixture of all consuming grief and intense happiness when I think about her. I miss her more than anyone but yet I know she is somewhere amazing, smiling down on me, reunited with the people she loved and lost. She lost a lot of people that she loved far too early on in life and I think she spent the rest of it knowing that one day she would see them again.

My Nanny had an ethereal aura and nature was her solace when things got tough. She could make anything grow and bloom beautifully, now I'm just left here wishing she could have been around long enough to watch me fully grow and hopefully one day bloom with her help.

Today is all about remembering her and the things she loved. The birds seem to sing sweeter today, the sky holds warmth and hazy sunlight. She loved the outdoors, being as closely connected to the natural world as possible. She loved music, singing, dancing, wildly enjoying the moments in life that won't come again. She enjoyed spending time with her family, and I have never seen someone's eyes glow so fiercely with love as did hers when she looked at me, my sister or my mum. She loved colourful, floaty clothes and dainty floral perfumes. She was forever young and beautiful and smiling - she fought cancer right up until the end with painted light pink nails and a touch of lipstick and a smile.

When we lose someone who is so closely connected to us, I don't think they really ever leave. I feel my Nanny everywhere I go, I feel her taking in the sights I'm seeing, spurring me on, laughing at me or tutting with a smile when I would do something wrong. I know that wherever I go and whatever I do she will be watching it, and that's why I intend to travel far and wide, to experience things that she never got to, just so she can see it through my eyes.

That's why I choose to celebrate on the 15th of September, in a similar way to how she would, to walk barefoot on the grass, to dance, to laugh and to remind my family of how much I love them. Instead of being awash with grief or anger, I try to be greatful that this incredible soul was one that nurtured me.