But I wouldn't change a thing - or would I?
By the age of 19 I'm sure most human beings have contemplated why they were put on this earth, why they have all these thoughts and feelings, and some of us have maybe decided where we want this life to take us? I certainly have, but my problem is that I am living a life that doesn't quite match up to what I want - but here's to hoping that it's only temporary.
So I have ALWAYS, always been immersed in my own little world, my family used to describe me as more 'away with the fairies' than down here on earth, I was happy if I was reading, writing poems or short stories, or at the beach in the sand dunes/amongst the waves pretending to be the last survivor of an apocalypse with my dog, Floss. - But then I got too focused on being normal, somewhere along the lines I lost that burning desire to chase my dreams and reality slapped me around the face and said 'You'd better knuckle down so that you can get a well paying job, please your parents, buy a house, pay your bills and have children'. And so I got sucked into a vortex of boredom, school work, a tedious relationship and my dreams were locked away with all the books I used to read. Life was like this for about three years, I hated everything, including myself. This feeling of misery spanned from the ages of about 14 - 18. There was confusion, hatred, rebellion, bulimia, a suicide attempt and the only thing I poured my heart into was my high school work. I am not ashamed of this phase but nor am I proud, and to be blatantly honest I don't think all of the above is uncommon in young teenagers now.
But then I suprised myself - I was sick of the High School that I had attended for 5 years and it's little cliques that just led to betrayal and insecurity, so I took a jump, but I wasn't alone. I jumped holding the hand of another teenage girl who was my best friend at the time. We moved to a separate sixth form (if you're reading this from the U.S - sixth form is basically the last two years before graduating high school) and despite this leading to us being broken up, it also led to the best relationship I have formed in my life so far. In sixth form I studied Art, Media, English Literature and Law. I was still holding onto that boring focus, still in that tedious relationship, planning to do Law at University. Despite this, English Literature opened up that precious space reserved in my heart for reading, where all those old dreams lived. We studied the romanticism of the enlightenment in a Room With a View and the amazing whole other language of Chaucer's middle English. What really struck me, what blew the dust off those old dreams was the despaired craziness of Allen Ginsberg in Howl, who leapt out from the pages and seized me by the shoulders, shaking me and telling me not to be like those robotic machines whose brains and imaginations were eaten up by the industrial rat race of Moloch. I then read 'On the Road' by Kerouac and that became one of my all time favourites - it somewhat whet my appetite even further for travel and craziness.
And also, in my English Literature class, was the person who would change my life forever - not that I knew this at the time. He sat opposite me, with tanned skin, blue eyes and dirty blonde hair and after getting to know him, I realised that he shared the same dreams, thoughts and wishes as me that I had denied and locked away - and I uncontrollably needed to have him. I can't tell you how much he opened my eyes, he made me realise that I had been living a lie for three years, in a relationship that didn't really make sense. He is now the guy I get to call my bestfriend, soulmate and lover - the guy I get to scream at, laugh with, cry when he's gone and also the guy that I can plan the rest of my life with.
So that brings me on to where the hell I am at now - I know who I want to be and what I want to do - but I'm also sitting a law degree at the same time. But I guess I'm happy with that - because as well as making my parents proud, I'm also being able to be myself by the things that I can do in my spare time, such as the places I can travel to, the music that I give myself in to when the headphones come on and the words that I drink in and devour on the pages of the books that I read. So I'm managing to hold it all together in chaotic balance - with the hope that after graduation I can unleash my inner writer and go get that job writing for the people out there like me, the romantics, the desperate, the happy, the passionate and the explorers!
I guess what I'm trying to do with this blog is to inspire you - to find who you want to be, what makes you happiest, and whether that's earning money in an office job or driving a bus - I'm not here to judge you or tell you what job you should do I'm here to tell you to be yourself because this life is not a rehearsal, and time doesn't wait for anybody. Life is cruel, short and could be even shorter if you're an unlucky soul, so do what you want to do with it while you have the chance.
But, as for opening your eyes, don't thank me, thank Allen, Jack and Kai.
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