Life, it's struggles and the amazing places it will take me.

Okay, so, heregoes!

since I am an aspiring writer I thought it might be time to give myself a kick up the ass and actually record my thoughts and dreams somewhere other than inside my head/random pieces of paper/ my beloved journal.

Currently - I have no clue how to use blogger and also have no clue if anyone is going to find my thoughts and dreams even remotely interesting.

So I'll just start with what inspired this 'kick up the ass'. I've lost a lot this year - most prominently, my childhood. I turned 19 in March so I guess it was time to grow up anyway but I didn't expect it to be so abrupt - I found my Grandad at his home lying on the floor, half naked and soaked in urine as a result of boredom and excessive drinking which had resulted in a form of dementia -  the change was instant.

In that moment, I knew that everything had changed, the world wasn't how I previously knew it. You think that your Grandparents will always be there, telling you stories, putting plasters on your grazes and overfeeding you to the point of fatigue. Now, his house wasn't the same place filled with memories and laughter, it was cold, dark, reeking of alcohol and urine and the shadow of the carefree little girl that used to read on the stairs slipped out of the back door whilst I quickly collected my thoughts. My first action was to put on some underpants for him - I guess the first thing I wanted to save was his dignity for when the ambulance and my Dad arrived.

And then, just a couple of months later, my beautiful, free-spirited Nanny on the other side of my family lost her battle with a very rare form of stomach cancer. It was brutal, she was here with me, sat at this very table from which I write this, smiling and glowing with her usual healthy complexion, a week later she was days away from death under the stark, uncaring fluorescent lights of a hospital ward with dank skin and bewildered, un-focused eyes from all of the pain relief. In the end though, it was just how she would have wanted it. The sun had fallen below the horizon, the sky was a pale cornflower blue after a hot summers day, and the birds seemed to quieten as I left the hospital and waved to my Mum and Sister's forlorn faces. I knew it was the end, she finally let go at 6.00am on a Sunday morning, the day of rest.

Whilst all of this was going on  - I also had my law exams, and I guess the biggest lesson I've learned is that no-one pats you on the back and says well done for getting on with things. I mean, look at your own parents, friends, loved ones, they get on with it, they keep on giving and providing, keep on smiling.

And for me, that's just growing up, you realise that life isn't a playground anymore - no one gives you a gold star for not just giving up when life gets tough.

But hey - it isn't all bad, speaking of people who keep smiling, one of my beautiful friends (yes, I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by a handful of people who care, ALOT) who lost her Dad last year text me out of the blue with an amazing offer to stay in Singapore and visit Thailand for 2 weeks during September.

That leads me on to what this blog will hopefully be about - life, the struggles of it, and the crazy amazing places it takes me.