The entire emotional roller coaster has done the loop, thrown me up in the air, gone vertical, and now it's bringing me back to the sanity of solid ground beneath my feet. Two whole years have gone by and now I've got two days to get my head around the fact that the real world is out there waiting with the smell of my fresh naive blood in its nostrils.
The worst thing is, university has provided me with three things. Fat, debt and emotional instability. Who was I at the age of 17 to decide the direction that I wanted my life to go in!!?! Who is anybody at the age of 17 to decide anything apart from what pair of bloody shoes they should wear that weekend? I wasn't ready, and now, the sad truth is, I feel like I've wasted two years of my life studying something completely irrelevant to what I really want to do, I was never going to be a lawyer for Christ sake, my morals are far too prominent and I have a concience the size of Kilimanjaro. I also prefer to be barefoot with flowers in my hair than dressed in a tight skirt surrounded by misogynistic men wearing gowns and wigs. I almost feel like if anything, I'm completely back to where I started, what the hell do I do now?
So, I'm writing the rest of this year off. Which is a sentence I can almost hear myself saying every May for the next ten years. But literally, I am going to write the rest of this year off - if I want to get anywhere as a novelist then I'd better get cracking. Back to the impending doom of the big wide world, I also feel as if my university experience has sort of fizzled out, melted away into the depths of my mind that are filled with boring subjects like cheese and cricket. (Sorry if you're a big fan of eating cheese whilst watching the Ashes, I had no intention of insulting you) the problem is, I'm a creative, and I feel like when i say 'I want to be a writer' I might as well be saying 'I'm moving to Hollywood next week because I'm tipped as the next Marilyn Monroe' - it feels unrealistic and juvenile. But I'm never going to find out if I don't try. I look at my hardworking, honest, loving parents and I just wish they'd have pursued their own dreams, rather than doing what everybody else did because that was the safe option. And at the moment, as much as it pains me, I see my sister doing the same. Heading for a mortgage and a steady job that keeps her here, the problem is when you love someone so much you want them to be fearless, to get out there and see the world and meet crazy people and be influenced by how your life can be something totally different when you just tweak your outlook.
I could have tried harder the last two years, even though I've worked myself to the point of tears, anger and head-imploding frustration, I've known that my heart wasn't in it since about the third week in. I'm the typical average student, heading for a solid 2:2 and complete confusion. But even though it's taught me that I am seriously not cut out for a career in law, it's also reminded me that I am free spirited, craving adventure and anything wild, and I'm proud of that. I'll take my Desmond degree and the knowledge that I won't be settling for a desk job quite happily, thank you very much.
So, my point is, so what if ive taken a detour?
So what if I've taken a minute out screaming WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW?
So what if I've gained stress weight?
So what if things went wrong?
I've officially come out at the other end - I've passed everything, I've made some beautiful friends for life, I've got back into writing, I've done it all in TWO YEARS!! A bloody law degree in two years! And so what if it's not entirely relevant? I'm a strong believer that if you're a positive person who believes that they will reach their goal, you will attract positive vibes, positive people, positive opportunities!
If you find yourself sitting around mourning the loss of a lifestyle that you never really had, obsessing over the happy, candid pictures that someone posts from the fucking Bahamas doing yoga whilst drinking coconut juice from a young Johnny Depps cupped hands, I've got three things to tell you:
1. Life isn't all drinking sweet liquid from Johnny Depp's hands - those people have shit times too
2. Yes, you have to pay to travel, what a shocker, but you're also paying for that phone contract every month as well as all those outfits and possessions to display all over social media, why don't you save your money for something more worthwhile?
3. You can make any dream a reality - you just have to want it bad enough. I was lucky enough to meet and chat with the lead singer of my favourite band recently, and told her about my law-school writer complex and she was more impressed by my desire to be a writer than my law school pompous bullshit, and she told me to never stop chasing my dreams, no matter what anyone says to you.
So, university of law, this is me, being completely done with your shit, with you making me feel inadequate and mediocre (and fat) and making me feel like a disappointment. I know and I've always known deeply that I'm going to live an extraordinary life, and it's all in my power to do so.
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