Earth Treading Stars

(Disclaimer: my first ever post informed you that this blog was also going to include the 'struggles' of my life, you have been warned) 

So, I wrote my last happy-go-lucky, little Miss Positive blog post 3 days ago, 72 hours ago. So how is it that now, eyes puffy, tears streaming and chest heaving, that I am so down in the dumps? 

Plot twist: nothing has happened to make me feel so despaired.

Maybe it's my wonderful womanly hormones deciding that I was being too happy - as any female will know they tend to do that. 

Maybe the whole January blues thing isn't a myth after all and it's just hit me like a train tonight? 

Maybe it's the fact that my laptop decided to go full retard on me as I was attempting to do university prep due in tomorrow at 10am?

Or maybe, just maybe, as a 19 year old hormonal, confused hurricane I am allowed to have such volatile emotions, I mean for Christ sake at what other point in my life will I be studying law 16 hours a week (not including prep time which could be anything up to an additional 30 hours) at a fast pace, whilst also keeping a part time job, trying to maintain a happy relationship and trying to figure out what to do with my life oh AND also trying to have a social life? With no financial help and £12.000 worth of debt at the end of this nightmare? 

As you can imagine, I am internally (and occasionally out loud) screaming "WHY THE FXCK DID I SIGN MYSELF UP FOR THIS??!" 

But, several expletives, some dark thoughts and then a mental bitch slap across the face later, I have realised that I am fine - this won't last forever and it's okay to be confused. So what, I'm a 19 year old that doesn't currently have my shit together, I can guarantee I'm not the only one.... (please people back me up here) 

I find myself worrying about my relationship far more than anything else lately - it's the only thing I'm certain about and so what happens if that rug gets ripped from under my feet? I (by some miracle) get a city job in publishing offices or as a freelance writer and my tree surgeon snowboard fanatic boyfriend keeps it rural..... What happens then? Can I go out there as a brand new person by myself? All alone? 

And then some crazy shit that my Grandpa said a couple of years back comes into my head,  "it's foolish to run into the tide, it's much easier if you let it come to you" and I get it, life happens, it goes on, whatever will be will be. I worry about being in control when the true fact is, us mere mortals are never actually in control. 

There is a bigger plan put in place for every single one of us, we just have to embrace it and try not to mess up. 

I understand that this whole rambling may seem ridiculously petty to some people, like what the hell have I got to be bawling my eyes out for?! I'm healthy, at university, with an intact family and a loving boyfriend - but it's all about life's complexities, anything can get people down whether that's your umbrella deciding to turn itself inside out on a rain splattered, windy Monday morning or even just the tone of voice that someone uses on your bad day - whatever it is, when things build up, people need to get it out somehow, and I'm lucky enough to have people who give me the time of day to listen, or respond to my essay length texts - and the point of this blog is to reach out to you and ask you to be there for people like me - you have no idea how much it helps and how it chases those dark thoughts away, having someone there for you in your darkest hour(s) is more valuable than anything. 

Thank god for those people, the 'earth treading stars that make dark heaven light' - for showing me that there is a bigger plan, and that it is out of anybody's control.